♦WINTER-SPRING 26'

ARTBLOG 11 (dec-jun)

original upload date: jul 15 2026

click images to enlarge & for commentary  

month end thoughts / life:

i dunno if any else getting older can relate, but steady improvement felt so linear in my younger years, but getting older means nothing comes implicitly anymore. i need to REMEMBER my wants, i need to perform an action CONSCIOUSLY. that sounds super fkn obvious, but i don't think i ever had that mental gap that needed me to FORCE MYSELF to do things lol, i used to just be able to DO them and not think abt it - just pen to paper as if i would die if i didn't get the rush of ideas down. but as an adult, i dunno, that impulsive instinctiveness is a reach. that's why this artblog took so long - i love making art but i don't love making GOOD art ykwim lol. improvement isn't natural, it's conscious, and i'm not used to being ruled by anything that's not intense vivid bursts of motivation LOLL. don't know if anyone can feel me! need to figure out a concrete habit for this stuff.

anyhow uhh. graduation and job hunting huhhhh fuck my lyfeee <////3 i've graduated uni for about a year now but i hesitated writing abt it here because. eww, fuck. i'm a server right now while i continuously work on getting into my industry of choice. but highkey i LOVE being a server right now so idk if i even WANT TO. eek. it's weird, i reaally regret going to college at the time i did, bcs despite my energy and proactivity being hella intense when i first entered, i feel as if i was at like level 1 consciousness at 17. i def didn't know myself that well, and if i went NOW, i 100% would have chosen a wholly different major. but if i DIDN'T go, would i even KNOW these things about myself? weirdd it's all weirddd. not much drawing in these months, lots of odd calls, networking, failed interviews. there is hella dead air in my life since i left uni and it's HARD not to wrap my entire identity around career and failures. i have a wholeass degree and that means i have to get somewhere in life that makes that worth it. it's tough to want. adulthood requires you to put something into it but dawg i've never wanted anything. i chose this major because it was expected of me and i could not land a job before graduating, now what? it's embarrassing to want so little for me but dawg. i am tired LOLLL and i feel like i don't even deserve to be. life since uni's end has been me constantly flip-flopping between "I'M FREEEEE my life has BEGUN!!!!" and "i don't want to think, i don't want to do, it's over before it started." feelsbad but in my free time i've also been trying to exercise my free will...!

i want to be proactive in fixing my attention span, so i got a library card and am slowly checking off a long-unread reading list :] might start a media log for that actually! i also ditched google docs and write my plot outlines, journaling, EVERYTHING physically now, also for attention span. i tried to get into running as well but fucked up my foot for a week and it scared the fuck out of me so now i just go on long walks instead LOL. i've been going to the cinemas more OMGGG omgggg there's so many good films coming out lately (OBSESSED with project hail mary right now!!!). it's been so long since i've gone to the cinemas and it's highkey been changing my life. also. i did not mention this in the above paragraphs because idk how i feel about it yet. but i DID land an unpaid summer internship and every day i am so freaked out even tho all i've done so far is waiting.

fuuuck. and june... july should be for us too, i had a hectic fkn pride. 3 severe allergic reactions in one month dawg (4 if i include non-serious) can i not be gluttonous in peace pLEASE?? word of advice. it is not worth it to wait it out, just get the fucking epipen. i am never fucking thugging that shit out ever again. EVER. and birthday is coming up and everywhere the bells are tolling. fuck, maybe we should get august too.

ok that's the end. this was a lot of ramble, thank you very much for reading! see you in the next artblog batch.

months' muses:

this one doesn't have a bandcamp page RAAAH