◊ pg 2 | the horrors

 11-3-23  | IMAGE. COMPRESSION.

that's it, that's the journal entry. hatred. seething for neccessary evil...........

 10-12-23  | author favorites

i was rereading some older OC profiles, and i realized that... the more i like a character of mine, the more pathetically i describe them 😭 ...and it's not in the endearing "aww poor thing </3" kinda pathetic, i mean, descriptions that legitimatly give you second-hand emberassment.

i think i do this out of a subconscious fear of not giving my faves enough flaws. like. fear of them being percieved as a mary sue or "creator's pet" .....but in my desire to hold back my favoritism, i just end up writing them so unfavorably instead

hmm, its so tough when u have a fave. no matter how hard u try, u can't portray them how u do in ur head. its either pretentious writing or severe nerfing in my experience. when i read older writings of mine, the aspects i deemed as my least favorites ended up being the most well-written in the end, because i didn't take them too seriously.

its so hard not to take a character seriously tho when u already care so much. how tf do ppl do it.... how to disconnect, my whole heart is in this bitch !!!

 10-11-23  | lies of p.....

just finished watching a complete playthrough of "lies of p" and i am in shambles

i havent done fanart in years but i might relapse, just for this game. like. leave it up to me to fall for yet another story about an inhuman MC who grapples with their humanity,, clearly i have a set of themes and aesthetics i am biased for

 10-10-23  | struggling and art-ing

hm..... it kinda sucks how i get the most inspiration for my hobbywork when i have work outside of it to do. when i have peace, i can't draw. i gotta be stressed out of my mindddd and deranged and depressed as hell, and then suddenly the ideas start flowing. i don't know when art shifted from just being a fun exercise of communication/storytelling to solely being a method for projection and stress relief.

nowadays, i find that the more i like a character, the more it means that i can see myself and my emotions thru them. like, i am a SUCKER for OCs with copius amounts of dread and guilt and existential horror attatched with them.

i once saw a post on twitter that was someone saying smthn like... "i'm creating more characters with my own flaws in them, idk how to feel abt it"... and the other guy says, "oh, that means you're learning to love yourself." something like that. and that thought alone, no matter how backwards, has carried me thru a lotta the "ick" that i used to feel about using my stories as a vent space. having a hole inside ur head and putting the same one into a character is fine. point being it lets u examine that hole, at least for me. i've been doing it since TFPOEL and still do it now with PTC. (i literally only write stories abt the end of the world and undying cycles now. the most self indulgent shit ever, actually.)

but it's still abit weird to me when i try thinking abt it. there's such a huuuuuge difference between why i draw now and why i used to draw when i was younger, and no i will not verbalize. but it became the most clear to me while i was trying to rewrite AM during the summmer and realized i couldn't replicate the old draft's charm. if its all so different, what makes me wanna stick around and keep doing it. a part of me still wants to go back and tap into that older, clearer creation mindset, but a part of me also knows that i don't need it anymore.

 10-???-23  | ah

ive just pushed thru a miserable few months, i think.

i say i "think" because i cannot remember a THING that happened LOLOLOL. and now that it's over, i think that having a clear mind sucks.