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a spur-of-the-moment thoughts dump, labeled month-day-year
11-19-24 archival of old art
i want to practice what i preach, and what i constantly preach is the archival of one's old artwork no matter how cringe or awful because it meant something to you once and is a marker of how far you've come. but oh BOY oh BOYYY is it hard to live by those words. a completely harmless story from 2022 has been haunting me since i've posted it and i RESIST the EVIL URGE to delete it off both the internet and my hard drive at all times. i used to lament about why some artists release their work and then never interact with it again or even resist engagement in its discussion like they never wanna see it again. OK WELL I GET IT NOW. HAVE MERCYYYY.
no one even knows what i am talking about, this is just someshit i carry on my heart and soul and i don't purge it out of PRIDE. it is AWFUL to me and me alone but those who know deserve to look at it still and deserve to have it too. (i say, crumpled in the fetal position)
11-17-24 july-november media log
i took in a lot of artwork i felt hit very hard these few months, i wanna share em and my opinions on em. this is a compilation of thoughts i've written down over the months.
danganronpa: despair time (the other half of trial 2) - webseries
at the start, i felt very "meh" about it, and that feeling persisted all thru the trial UNTIL the final 2 episodes. then it all clicked and i felt like all of that buildup was WORTH IT. I GET IT NOWW. that was the best ending to a trial i've ever seen in a fangan - the only other one that is even comparable to this feeling of utter horror is the ending to SDRA2 ch.5...... i know there was a lot of divisive discussion about who would be the better blackened for trial 2 among the final 2 contenders, but the way this trial concluded has me convinced this is how it had to be. i loved this outcome and felt the execution was both fitting and surprisingly respectful. i still don't understand or like david though. shocker. i felt a little confused when he suddenly became a fan-favorite after his mask slipped this chapter. he still has a lot to answer for, and the fact that a lot of viewers started hearing him out cuz he pulled this "i suddenly care about xander now" thing is.... i don't know. i'm aware he knows what teruko's secret is and that's why he started to defend xander: cuz he knows something now.. but i still can't find myself liking him or being interested in him, after all of his escalations and manipulations i think he's just over-the-top. idk idk i might just need to rewatch ch.2 again.
SCP-8980 - short story
(10-16-24) just read SCP-8980 and it is SUCH an engaging and dreadful dissection of systematic abuse. not even a thirds of the way in and I could TELL where the author probably pulled their inspo from in their real life and it is just awfully realistic and dreadful. the story is packed with such gravity, makes you feel such anger and leaves you endlessly dissatisfied and empty. the amnesiac scene. fucking hell
what the complete eradication of self-autonomy and identity does to a mf. i feel a connection to this one like no other.
mouthwashing - videogame
everything's better on the second run. my favorite thing about this game is how complex and layered all of the characters feel, despite the relatively short runtime and the jittery non-linear storytelling, i felt like i'd known them for much longer. all of my feelings boil down to "holy shit i feel awful for everyone involved." except that one guy ofc. i didn't necessarily feel horror or fear, just an overarching feeling of disbelief that keept getting stacked and stacked. very compelling tragedy story.
RIBBIT - deltarune mod
i want to write a much longer dissection and analysis of this mod because WOW. it has been so long since i've become THIS fixated on a story before. i wasn't aware that the mod would "get darker" - i just went into it thinking it was a comedy mod and was THRILLED and completely captivated when it began its heel turn. i know some people were turned off by it, but i thought the shift in tone enhanced what came before it and marked an iconic sort of uniqueness away from any other mod. i don't think it was as dark as others have described: there is, i think, fitting amounts of consequence and fitting amounts hope granted to the main 3. there's a lot of mixed opinions i have about the ambiguity of control for everyone effected by manos and what it even means, and also those lore documents. but i wanna save that for another time.
crocodile complex - comic
the story is written in a way where both leads' words and actions are completely understandable and it's just kind of devastating to see anyways. the fact that this is (I THINK) based off of the author's own experience as a former cadet-in-training makes the reading of this even more dreadful and worth dissecting. there is just a looming atmosphere of sinking, of quiet waiting that always leaves you on edge. the very scratchy and texture-filled artwork helps with this immensely, man i fuckn adore the artwork. one of the more interesting comics i've read in a while..
come and see - film
(9-27-24) watched “come and see” last night bc I saw a video essay praising its cinematography and I just ended up depressed instead. much to think about. movies about the ruining of innocence and loss of humanity i love you. i actually can’t stop thinking about it and NOT in a good way
11-15-24 on the jul-nov art batch
whenever i feel embarrassed about new artwork in one of my batches i have to remember this over and over and over
i do NAWT want to hold myself back. sucks when i love smthn visually but the subject matter potentially takes away from feeling like i can share it. im sayin all of this but the artwork in question is not revealing in the SLIGHTEST 😭 im ALWAYS dramatic abt this shit. i need to get FREAKIER.
10-10-24 hashtag relatable
nothing as relatable to me as christian young using a better art program and then immediately getting withdrawls for mspaint. me too.
nothing as relatable to me as constellor of twitter dot com becoming unbearably attached to a one-off OC and then rapidly creating and re-making reference sheets because the design keeps changing as she draws them. me too man me too
nothing as relatable to me as how crumb cuptoast treats ethan winters of resident evil fame. haha. m. me t. me tt t
9-6-24
this week, i feel an incredible kinship with this video
9-5-24 writing again
you ever read a nsfw fanfiction so beautiful that it inspires you to write again?
not write smut, i'm talking like regular sfw. anyways, that's happening with me rn. hi, i'm getting back into writing prose again. thank you fandom authors of ao3, i owe this creative-writing rejuvenation to you. i don't even know what re-animator is.
on a more serious note, i've been stuck in a bit of a writing slump for around a year or two now and have recently and very suddenly leapt out of it. the journal entry from 5-24-24's just REEEEKS of that old frustration. dunno how long this motivation will last but for the first time in a very long time i'm having fun with writing again. amazing what the palpable love-of-the-game of another creator can do to a mf.
i feel like how i was at 15 years old doing her first nanowrimo: that is the speed at which i am pouring my guts out into this google doc. unfortunately, some things never change and i will never post 100% of what i am working on... just know that i'm on that GRIND. the grind for a prequel oneshot for marcene, isra, and callisto, abt how they all met and died and revived and allthat. i'll likely put out some related artwork instead when i'm finished. yippe!
a recent excerpt
it reeks of clunkiness and 1st draft-ness but it's one of a few favorite exerpts