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11-3-23 | IMAGE. COMPRESSION.

that's it, that's the journal entry. hatred. seething for necessary evil...........

10-12-23 | author favorites

i was rereading some older OC profiles, and i realized that... the more i like a character of mine, the more pathetically i describe them 😭 ...and it's not in the endearing "aww poor thing </3" kinda pathetic, i mean, descriptions that are so deprecating they legitimately give you second-hand embarrassment.

i think i do this out of a subconscious fear of not giving my faves enough flaws. like. fear of them being perceived as a mary sue or "creator's pet" .....but in my desire to hold back my favoritism, i just end up writing them so unfavorably instead.

hmm, its so tough when u have a fave. no matter how hard u try, u can't portray them how u do in ur head. its either pretentious writing or severe nerfing in my experience. when i read older writings of mine, the aspects i deemed as my least favorites ended up being the most well-written in the end, because i didn't take them too seriously.

its so hard not to take a character seriously tho when u already care so much. how tf do ppl do it.... how to disconnect, my whole heart is in this bitch !!!

10-11-23 | lies of p.....

just finished watching a complete playthrough of "lies of p" and i am in shambles

i havent done fanart in years but i might relapse, just for this game. like. leave it up to me to fall for yet another story about an inhuman MC who grapples with their humanity,, clearly i have a set of themes and aesthetics i am biased for

10-10-23 | struggling and art-ing

hm..... it kinda sucks how i get the most inspiration for my hobbywork when i have work outside of it to do. when i have peace, i can't draw. i gotta be stressed out of my mindddd and deranged and depressed as hell, and then suddenly the ideas start flowing. i don't know when art shifted from just being a fun exercise in communication/storytelling to solely being a method for projection and stress relief.

nowadays, i find that the more i like a character, the more it means that i can see myself and my emotions thru them. like, i am a SUCKER for OCs with copious amounts of dread and guilt and existential horror attached with them.

i once saw a post on twitter that was someone saying smthn like... "i'm creating more characters with my own flaws in them, idk how to feel abt it"... and the other guy says, "oh, that means you're learning to love yourself." something like that. and that thought alone, no matter how backwards, has carried me thru a lotta the "ick" that i used to feel about using my stories as a vent space. having a hole inside ur head and putting the same one into a character is fine. point being it lets u examine that hole, at least for me. i've been doing it since TFPOEL and still do it now with PTC.

but it's still abit weird to me when i try thinking abt it. there's such a huuuuuge difference between why i draw now and why i used to draw when i was younger, but it became the most clear to me while i was trying to rewrite AM S1 during the summer and realized i couldn't replicate the old draft's charm. if its all so different, what makes me wanna stick around and keep doing it? a part of me still wants to go back and tap into that older, clearer more "pure" creation mindset, but a part of me also knows that i don't necessarily need it anymore.

10-?-23 | ah

ive just pushed thru a miserable few months, i think.

i say i "think" because i cannot remember a THING that happened LOLOLOL. and now that it's over, i think that having a clear mind sucks.

7-6-23 | artfight update

i mentioned in a previous entry that i wanted to gamble a lil and join team werewolf, but i ended up picking vampire in the end. i slightly regretted it when the event actually started and i realized literally 70% of my bookmarks are on my team,,, so i'd just invertedly signed myself up for ONLY doing friendly-fires thru the month NAURR ;o;

i was so close to switching teams but then i settled down when i realized team vamp was actually losing and i was a part of the underdogs now. instant team loyalty. still kinda pissed abt the friendly-fires thing tho. i've been thoroughly nerfed.

anyways heres my profile or whatever. follow and kill me dead

7-6-23 | tedium

idk why, but it's so much easier for me to fall into burnout now guhhh. i got projects i still wanna work on, but starting them seems like more of a chore now ;o;

this site being kinda a huge example, like i wanna make some shrines and maybe another page to showcase some OC playlists. a lotta work thou....... think i just need to find more medias to become obsessed with again

6-24-23 | artfight 2023 themes

oh wow o WOW this year's theme reveal came as such a surprise to me

with such powerhouses of potential prompts like "order vs chaos" and "creation vs destruction" i did not expect that "vampires vs werewolves" would be the final pick. ngl out of all of em tho, vamps vs werewolves has the most mascot potential and also aligns pretty well with previous themes... so i see why it was chosen but like.... personally i was rooting for "time vs space" myself <--- she is full of OC-themed biases

team picks this year are gonna be HARD though... previously my personal preferences would align exactly with one side, but this year i am SO very unsure. "vampire" is calling to me but i have a feeling numbers are gonna be incredibly skewed this year. EVERYONE's gonna pick team vampire mannnnn, "wither vs bloom" last year was so engaging imo cuz the numbers were so close but i have a feeling my werewolf folks might be the underdogs.......... which makes my gambling instincts tingle.

6-23-23 | new layout

ok so i made a new layout for the site? i really dunno how i feel about this one guhh. old layout had this minimalist, metalic-like color scheme and while i didn't like it much at first, i'd gotten used to it by the time i whipped up this new softer, notebook-like look ;o;

old style:

the new vers def has its charm & def more cohesion,,,,, but im going thru some kinda stockholm syndrome rn lol. i wanna try and incorporate the darker gray colors into this new theme's colors somehow, i tried it a lil but i just. could not. get it to look right. rip.

oh well i guess that comes with running a website- constant changes & updates & fusses, i know i'll probs never be satisfied eheh. this new theme needs some work tho too-- i see so many mfs on neocities with the most cluttered and colorful websites with blinkers and weird shiny things that i dont even know how they put in there. & that's soso inspiring,,, i wanna clutter my site too but ik i'll probably most likely trip over myself lol. mostly i wanna add more oranges and reds and browns guhhh.